I faked an abortion last night.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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