just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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