if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
