One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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