Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
