I just cut my nipple shaving
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize