the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
