I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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