He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
