ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
