To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
