I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize