Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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