She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
