Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
