My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
