Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
