I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
