Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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