I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
