I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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