I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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