i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
