you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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