It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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