You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
