She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
