A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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