Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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