i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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