I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
