I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
