Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
