i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
