I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
