There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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