I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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