I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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