I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
