You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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