He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
