I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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