I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
