My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
