You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
