you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
