im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
