dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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