Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
