You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
