there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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