dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
