girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
