I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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