this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
