he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
