yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Fuck appropriateness.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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