that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
farters have to be the big spoon...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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