It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
