Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
