I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
