What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
