I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
