Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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